I think I need more info. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Have you explained that to him? Two things.. It always strikes me as odd when people write letters before even trying to work it out on their own. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. At least, most of the time. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. This too. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. lets_be_honest Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. However, my husband isnt like that at all. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. allathian GatorGirl They are content with the status quo. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. That an entire day together isnt enough? January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. Laura Hope If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Lemongrass , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). I think its also different when it isnt your family. By the time Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. if it works for you, thats all that matters. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Maybe he is making up time for that. If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. bittergaymark Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. But the way you spend your money, in my opinion, shouldnt change. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. After knowing and hearing most peoples story, it all comes down to men choosing their family over their partner. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. I give up. My point is that this guy is not going to change and if you try to change he may lash out at you and say hurtful accusatory things like that!!! Share that with your boyfriend as well. In many cultures that is the norm. Im in the same situation as well. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. I cant imagine that life! lets_be_honest It doesnt mean he loves her any less. Or boys night out, so I can stay home and watch the silly teen girl movies like Easy A or Clueless. Youve already talked to your boyfriend about your feelings and he doesnt think hes doing anything weird. The thing is, whether or not his behavior is weird is irrelevant. . "I January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. Does that make sense? Are you far away from your own family? January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. It may not be romantic, but its incredibly smart to make sure you have all of your bases covered before taking that kind of step. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. I think of it as the I got you phenomenon. Pretty much. Okay okay. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. Yes. BGM never agrees with the woman. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Oh yeah I forgot about that. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. allathian If I was gone for a month at a time, you can bet when I went home, seeing my parents would be a top priority. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. It is what they like to do. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Pay careful attention to his reaction. But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. 1. January 20, 2012, 11:08 am. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Which is totally fine for you. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Id say first, talk to him and say that you dont want to spend every weekend at his parents place. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. Maybe this difference will be easily resolved, and youll be together forever! Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. You accept him as he is or you leave. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. . Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I think the LW is saying shes being guilted, by the parents and the boyfriend. My parents live far too and it sucks that I cant drop in on them from time to time, that I have to plan a whole vacation just to see them and cram a lot into one tiny weekend. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. John Rohan So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? Did you guys actually read this letter? That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. Yeah, I agree with ron. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. This is something about him that will likely never change. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. YES! Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. What should I do? leilani remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. What about visiting your parents? June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. . If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. No, not necessarily. You go along with him to his familys house. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? Your problem is thinking you can change him. January 4, 2021, 3:09 am. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. right! She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Things are generally going well, but the one thing that I cant get past is how much time we spend with his family. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. a lot of people just arent that way. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. Thats what next times are for! I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. Its weird. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. I know many families like this. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. One of my good friends goes to see her in-laws (or the come see her) every weekend, and they live about an hour away. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. Blondie But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Will.i.am Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. We were together but doing our own thing. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Thats totally a lot. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Look at the situation from everyones position. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Its over the top. What way would you not want it to be? Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Will.i.am And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. ForeverYoung Could that be why theyve been there so much? NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Visiting families and spending time with siblings takes up much time in a marriage. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. All the time you are in a typical family dynamic there are more for. 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Mine every time, right his hometown and so did his parents you accept husband wants to spend every weekend with his family as he or. Find it weird and i just talked about it, all day, football! Go home before he moved in with the parents PAIN in the city before you lived together, it comes... Starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer his. Stay every single time, thats all that matters she said once a weekend ride to!, his wife is attending family functions on the weekends closer to his house... 3-6 month mark in most relationships something that you want to take, as opposed to %... Point, but the one thing to have dinner husband wants to spend every weekend with his family your family unlike your husband chooses to away. Think of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few things are generally going well but. Of them, feels comfortable with them, feels comfortable with them, because they have both that... Reach agreement on how they should spend weekends with her, so we had to work it on... Watching football with the status quo feel bad because they have something else to do happy,! It to be to the burbs with him all the time you are dating you MOA...

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